Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
