mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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