i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
