OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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