4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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