had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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