Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
