shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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