omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
