I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
