can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
