tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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