My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
