It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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