You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i think we sleep fucked last night...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
