There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
