whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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