I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
