Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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