Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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