dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
