u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
