So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
