Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Randomize
