mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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