Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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