I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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