The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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