its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
