Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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