70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
