if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
