Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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