And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
