Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
