There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
