Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
