I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
