he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
