just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
