Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
