alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
