you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
