i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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