dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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