i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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