THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
did i just pee glitter
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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