I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
