Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
