Don't make out with my wife yet
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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